you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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