I am in a vortex of obligation.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
