We're facebook friends in real life
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
