Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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