mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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