He uses pillows to masturbate.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
