iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
