Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
