the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
