go do what you do best...puke behind churches
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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