I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
