i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
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