If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
