i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
