someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
