i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
We need a shit load of segways right now
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize
