hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
