Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
