Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
