i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
