In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
