i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
