I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
