Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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