someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
You took a bar mat shot.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
