if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
