U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
