You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Randomize
