apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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