I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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