I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I could fuck to npr.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
