If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
