toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
birth control should be required to get into college
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
