I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
