We're like a lot better than the average bears
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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