I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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