I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
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