i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
