I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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