The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
