I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
