Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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