Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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