when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
