My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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