"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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