I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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