I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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