my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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