dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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