how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
we should paint friendship bongs
I think I just sharted jello shots
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
