ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
a search helicopter?!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
