i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
