you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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