what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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