I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
