My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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